News Blog

It’s official. I have been conclusively disqualified from presenting medals to winners at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. It’s not because I don’t have a million-dollar smile or the ability to place a medal around someone’s neck. It’s just that the Olympic Organizing Committee decided to go with young hot chicks and not over-the-hill, out-of-shape dudes. I do not meet any of the requirements to be a medal bimbo in Beijing. The Organizing Committee is in the process of recruiting a team of highly motivated individuals to present medals and raise flags during the two weeks of Olympic competition this summer. The BOCOG requires that medal presenters be between 5′6″ and 5′10″. I, unfortunately, am too tall. And when it comes to weight, there are no strict requirements however the director of the BOCOG’s cultural activities department told Reuters “Generally speaking, they can’t be too fat. Their figure should be good. They shouldn’t be too heavy.” I, unfortunately, am probably too fat. The medal bimbos also must be between the ages of 18 and 25, which again doesn’t work for me. I, unfortunately, am too old. You also have to be female, which I am not. And finally, the last requirement I do not meet is that applicants “must have a very clear understanding of the Olympic spirit and the Olympic movement.” I have no Olympic spirit and I wasn’t aware of any “Olympic movement.” So whatever. I won’t be a medal presenter. Their loss. There’s always London 2012. And judging by their Olympic logo, the London committee has absolutely no aesthetic standards.